CHINESE DEMOCRACY = The PHANTOM MENACE of Rock & Roll?

(An open letter to Axl Rose)

Dear Axl,

I know it’s just the first single, but seriously, man– after 17 years, roughly one hundred zillion dollars’ worth of studio time and half the musicians in the free world joining and leaving the band, you cough up this?  I might have given you a pass if you put this out in 1995 (which is when I’m guessing you first recorded it) — at least then you’d sound like a hair metal guy desperately trying to keep up with grunge.  But in 2008?  Unacceptable.  This makes your atrocious mid-90s cover of “Sympathy For the Devil” sound like  “Stairway to Heaven.”

Nostalgia and the irresistible siren call of advertising might lure me into Best Buy on November 23, but I don’t know if I can actually commit to this new so-called GNR record.  If I DO shell out the $13.99 plus tax, I don’t know if I can get myself to pull off the shrink wrap and actually, you know, play it.  Maybe I’ll just put it in my CD collection and leave it be,  ’cause — let’s be honest — imagining a new GNR record is invariably going to be way more fun than actually listening to it.  The chase is always better than the catch.

And by the way, Axl — lose the corn rows.  We know you’re going bald.  We’ve known for a long time (since the time CHINESE DEMOCRACY was supposed to come out, actually).  Much like your slapping the name “Guns N’ Roses” on the album cover, you’re fooling no one with this.  Give it up.

Sincerely,

WriterDad

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6 Comments on “CHINESE DEMOCRACY = The PHANTOM MENACE of Rock & Roll?”

  1. K. Says:

    It’s pretty goddamn awful isn’t it!?

    You’re right it does sound like it’s stuck in ’95 and is not surprisingly over produced, there’s about 80 guitar overdubs going on at once. This is such a joke how the hell has it gone on for over 10 years? The man is mad! The scarier question is this, what made him decide NOW was the time to release it?

    K.

  2. WhatACard Says:

    Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! This post was funny start to finish. Of course, it was a little like shooting fish in a bucket. Gotta love Axl Rose, if just for the amusement of it all.

  3. WriterDad Says:

    K — you know, that’s an excellent question: why DID Axl choose now? Frankly, I’m almost disappointed that he’s actually finally putting the thing out. There’s no way the man can win on this one. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll pull the release at the very last second, then delay it another few years.

    WhatACard — yeah, it’s like shooting fish (a bandanna and white fringed leather jacket-wearing fish, in this case) in a bucket, but I couldn’t resist. The sad thing, I was fully expecting the song to suck, and it STILL offended me with its awfulness…

  4. William Says:

    You buy that CD and you will regret it for the rest of your life!

    It’s such a pathetic chain of events. This band could have been one of the greats of all time. U2 size tours. Insane fan loyalty. The balls and talent to back it all up too.

    And yet….

  5. K. Says:

    Yes!

    It’s disappointing that he’s actually releasing it! The party’s over!

    Stay cool

    K.

  6. WriterDad Says:

    William — I know, it’s truly a tragedy (relatively speaking). And yeah, I know that I’m setting myself up for disappointment if I give in. And yet, the sheer gravitational force of W Axl Rose’s ego is drawing me in like a tractor beam…

    K — I think the party was over the second he fired Slash!


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